John 15:9

Over the past several weeks, I have been finishing up my latest book which caused me to pull from something I have kept hidden so many years. I used my own testimony as the basis of the main character. It was a scary thing to do because no one knows what I went through during that particular time in my life. I have a strong sense of beliefs and values and no one would dare believe that I contemplated suicide in my teen years. Only recently did I share that information with my best friend.

Writing my testimony caused me to reflect more on who I was then, the person I was afterwards and the person I am now. I was saved when I was 6. There is not, nor has there ever been, a single doubt in my mind that I was born again that July day in 1987. Between ages 13 and 14, there was a lot of pressure on me to be the best academically and athletically. I never realized that I started making horrible choices a few years earlier when I decided to pick and choose what I was going to allow God to handle in my life. I handled the insignificant things that I thought were easily and gave God the rest. That mounted a serious attack by the devil. You may not think that there’s a lot of pressure for a 14 year old, but you’d be surprised. When you are surrounded by hostility and submerged in a competitive world, it can be unbearable.

It was one night I was thumbing through the Bible and John 15:9 jumped out at me. I realized that the source of my problems was not the problem itself, but the fact that I needed to let go. So I did. A few weeks later my mom played the piano at my aunt’s church and I fell in love with it. Everything changed from that point forward. A person that once didn’t really like children was now thrown into the children’s ministry and it was thriving. I was using my writing to glorify God and not scare or gross out unsuspecting readers. I honestly cannot remember a time that I was happy, more fulfilled, and at peace. There was a different spirit about me then. I literally had people meet me and tell me that they could feel from me who and what I was about without even talking to me.

Years of disappointment, liars, cheaters and manipulators has shaped me into the person I am now and I don’t like it not one bit. While contemplating history, I realized one thing. I’ve been struggling to get back to the person I was. I don’t know at what point I took the detour, but I want back on the path I was traveling. I’m not the person, nor the Christian I need to be. I’m tired of running. I’m tired of holding on. Therefore, I’m choosing to let go of these chains that weigh me down. Whatever the consequences are for going astray, I’ll face them with a smile.


I’ve been writing this in my head since last week. I took a big step this weekend. I threw away a burden that’s haunted me for years. I’m praying with a deeper passion – just one on one conversation with God. Nothing fancy, just straight from the heart. I’m getting back in the Word and studying like I use to. I’ve noticed that I’m not as quick to anger as I was. Things that normally set me off, now I find myself thing logically – seeing people no more than humans created by God and expecting nothing from them. It’s a work in progress. I still struggle with frustrations, but improvement is a blessing.